The Rules of Houston

1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston."

The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pee."

Also, because the Texicans won, streets and locations (like the monument) named "San Jacinto" are pronounced "San DJUH-sinto," not "San HAH-sinto." (However, if you want a hot pepper, please ask for a "Hall-uh-PEE-no.").

Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end.

4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a" scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off and exhaust fumes.

6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.

8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

And a word to migrated Northerners: Don't let the Texan climate fool you into thinking these people haven't seen potholes. Houston streets will convince you these people invented them and export the small ones to the snow belt. You will find that you have to have your car inspected annually here, and that of course (this being Texas) costs money. The money is used for the manufacture and distribution of even more potholes.

9. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena."

10. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.

11. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.

12. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.

13. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

14. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

15. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

16. If it is 100 degrees outside, then Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

17. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.

19. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

20. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

21. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.

22. BEWARE OF THE TRAIN. This latest edition to the Houston traffic mileu has already claimed several victims - just a few fatalities so far, but there is no prize for being next. It is silent, it is deadly, it will eat your SUV if you go up against it. However, since it only runs North and South adjacent to Main Street between the Fannin Street Park and Ride / Reliant Center and UH Downtown you can greatly reduce your chances of becoming a victim by never driving East-West on any Houston street that crosses Main, or turning left or right from Main.