A Woman's Week At The Gym....

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the sweet thing!) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She sorta looks like a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY

I had to drink a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, which was fairly easy......then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a Hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screaming bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the Stair Monster instead. WHY would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by escalators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other ridiculously stupid things, too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. It's not my fault that I was a half an hour late-it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some little stick-like creature in there to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. EVER! Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her to death with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything else that weighs more than a sandwich! The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my diary. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of The Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today since I still cannot walk AND so I can go and THANK GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my Daughter (she is SO grounded!) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds....or CHOCOLATE!!!